Last cycle my period was a week late. I took at few at home pregnancy tests and they were all negative, but I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I went to the doctor (not my regular OBGYN) who didn't make me feel any better when she told me I was stressing myself out and that I needed to relax in order to get pregnant (ok, doc, let me get right on that whole changing my personality thing and thanks for making me feel like this is all my fault). They did a blood test and told me they'd call with results. The next day I got my period. The day after that, I made an appointment with a therapist.
Now, I am 12 days late. I have taken 3 tests over the past week and a half and they have all been negative. No period, no positive, no help from the doctor (I will go back if I haven't gotten it by Monday). I'm feeling lost. I don't know why this is happening. I'm trying my best to just keep moving forward and not worry about it, but I'm a worrier. I'd give anything for a little plus sign. I don't need a home make-over, I just need some reassurance that it will all be ok... that nothing is wrong with me... that I will get pregnant one day...
I've always had very regular cycles, never more than a day or two late. I was on the pill from age 21 to age 27, but I have been off for over 7 months now, so it shouldn't have anything to do with it. I can handle not being pregnant right now. I know we have plenty of time to have kids. If I was getting my period on time, I would be a little disappointed, but I'd know that things were working and we just needed to keep trying. But this whole over a week late thing? It is a huge tease. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. I can't help but think I'm either pregnant or that something is wrong.
What's worse? Knowing that for some people, it is so easy. There are the pregnant students who I see in the halls at school. 15 year olds who had sex without protection and boom: pregnant. The blogs I read who only tried for a month or two (or not at all) and now they have beautiful babies. The friends who had no trouble conceiving at all and are working on baby number two. My mom and 2 aunts who all got pregnant later in life without trouble.
I'm supposed to be a mom. It is all I have ever really wanted to be. I became a teacher because I wanted a job that would allow me to be around for my kids and have all their breaks off. I did everything right: bought a house in a nice neighborhood with families up and down the block, married an amazing guy who can't wait to have kids, waiting a year after our wedding to start trying because we wanted our marriage to be solid before adding the stress that a baby can bring...
Sometimes, I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm letting my husband (and myself) down.
Then I knock some sense into myself. I tell myself it is going to be ok. My husband loves me and he knows it will happen. Why can't I be more like him?