When I left off, I had been late two cycles in a row, but wasn’t pregnant. I was learning how to deal with it all by seeing a therapist and taking yoga and I thought I was just fine… until I didn’t get my period for two whole months. And it turned into three.
I went back to the doctor to see if I could take something to start my period because I thought that three months with no period and no positive pregnancy test was not going to work for me. He said that not only would he give me Provera to kick start my period, but he’d also prescribe Clomid to stimulate my ovaries. When I was in his office, I agreed, but by the time I got home, I decided I wasn’t ready for Clomid. I had read about the side effects and increased chances of twins and was terrified. I decided to just take the Provera, get my period, and hope that my cycle went back to normal on its own.
As the holidays approached, however, I became very depressed. When I had planned out this year in my head, I thought I’d be pregnant and showing by Christmas and that we would know the gender and people would buy us gifts and… and… and… Then, all of the sudden all of the women I knew (or at least 5 of them I knew on facebook) announced they were pregnant. I’d have days where I was fine and then BAM! I would feel like my world was ending.
This was about six months ago and I still have days like that. Actually, I’m having one today. I feel like I want to go away to a deserted island with no internet and no cell phones and just disappear for a while. I want to stay away until I get pregnant and come back when I know it’s safe for me to live in a world where I find out my friends are pregnant and can be happy for them. I feel like my life is meaningless without being a mother. I feel like this is all just wasted time and nothing really matters until I have a baby growing inside me.
I also have wonderful days. I had one of those on Sunday. I declared it “Wanna be a Mother’s Day.” My husband cooked me breakfast and I got all dressed up and we went to a museum exhibit I’d been dying to see, Art in the Streets at MOCA.
Then, we went to my new favorite restaurant, Bottega Louie, for lunch. And we totally pigged out.
When we got home, I rode my bike to the store to pick up some peonies, my very favorite flower.
It was the best day.
So, when I have days like today where I feel like there is no end to the pain I feel, I try to remember days like Sunday. It helps me realize that there is sunshine right around the corner.
How do you get through the bad days?