A few days ago, I wrote about why I wasn't that excited for Christmas this year. Well, there is another reason I wasn't really looking forward to the holidays this year.
When I went off the pill last March, I thought that we would get pregnant over the summer. I pictured being pregnant on Halloween and incorporating it into my costume. I thought we'd know the gender by Thanksgiving and that we would start decorating the nursery. I pictured that by Christmas I'd be showing. I pictured getting gifts for the baby from family. I pictured sending out a Christmas card announcing the pregnancy. I know that this will all happen when it happens and I know that we haven't been trying for very long, but something that people should understand about these kinds of situations is that if feels like a loss. Even though I never had a baby to lose, it feels like I did. I had my whole year planned out in my mind and spent countless hours daydreaming about it all. To live out the year without a baby growing inside me is very difficult. To see others get pregnant at the blink of an eye is very hard. To watch my husband and mom deal with all of it is heartbreaking.
Well, this Christmas was actually very wonderful. I felt happy and loved and really didn't feel like anything was missing from our lives. I felt complete, and that is a big change for me lately.
Last week, I finished my first round of Provera. I was on day 95 of my cycle when I started the hormone (YIKES!) and after about 4 days, I got my period today! Wow, I never though I'd share such personal information here, but honestly, I think it is important for me to share it. I want others who might be going through similar situations to know that they're not alone. I want those who don't have to worry about these things to see how it affects others. I want to get this all out and document it so I can look back later and reflect.
So, what's next? Like I said before, we've decided not to start Clomid just yet. I'm not ready for the possible side-effects and the regimented schedule and the pressure that goes with it. I'm hoping that my cycle will go back to normal-ish on it's own and I'll start charting my temperature. If we can get pregnant without the help of Clomid or anything else, great! If my cycle doesn't go back to normal after a few months, we'll try it out.
I'd love to read your stories relating to all of this. Just email me at amyc83 at gmail dot com or leave a comment!